Losing someone we really love is very painful — and though I always knew that it’s something all of us will experience at some point in our lives, I never realized how hard it would be for me to lose my mother. It has been almost a year since my mother passed away but everything still seems so fresh in my mind…from the day my father told me that she would be admitted to the hospital for a complete check-up, which led to the diagnosis of her stage IV gastric cancer, up to the time she left… The passing away of my mother in July 19, 2007 is really heartbreaking for my whole family. Though it may seem like a blessing because it ended her pain, losing a loving & kindhearted mother --- a wonderful woman who touched every life she came in contact with, is truly a grave loss for us. Personally, losing her meant losing not just my mother but my best friend --- my greatest phone pal…my best shopping & movie buddy…the only person who knows me inside out…the only woman I’m most comfortable to confide to...the only friend who accepts me and keeps on loving me despite all my flaws…the woman I owe my life to…the wind beneath my wings.
Even though, I can say that I had several months to prepare myself for her death, it is still not easy for me to accept that she’s gone. She was diagnosed with gastric cancer in January 12, 2007…and was given 6-7 months to live. My father & I went through surgery, faith healing sessions, several blood transfusions, chemotherapy and other treatments with her until she finally became bedridden and her condition depleted. We had picked out her gravesite and told her all about it. I picked out what she would wear for her final resting place. We had her receive the last sacrament. And we thought all of these would help us because we were doing what she wanted us to do…to let her go because she’s ready. But when it was time, I didn't want to say goodbye…and I realized that no matter how much I prepared for it, it just wasn’t enough! She passed away 7 months & 7 days after the diagnosis….and even though I’ve been through a lot of pain during her fight with cancer, I wish she could stay longer. I knew deep inside me that if I were to choose, I would prefer being in that difficult situation of taking care of her over & over again rather than not having her at all. But I know that it’s being selfish & inconsiderate, because I’ve seen her suffer & I know that she didn’t deserve it.
Losing someone who has always been there, cheering me up, looking out for me and being an on tap source of experience, is a big deal. Every memory I’ve ever had growing up has her in it. A lot has happened in my life during the past 12 months after her death that I want to talk to her about and I still can’t fully believe that I can no longer do it. I just couldn’t grasp that she’s gone…it’s as though my brain just wouldn’t accept that she’s gone forever. But I thank God for allowing me to be with her all throughout her battle. The thought that somehow, I was able to repay her for all the loving care she gave me consoles me a little. Even though I know that being able to take care of her for just 6 months is nothing compared to the many years she devoted in taking care of me, I find it a little comforting to know that at least, I had the chance to show her that I love her so much and I’m willing to be with her in all her pain.
July 19 is a day I will never forget. Years may pass…but I know that I will always be hurting. Though I believe that I should accept things as they are because there’s a season for everything and her season is over, it’s just too hard to accept that I’m here without her. I know that it actually will never get any easier with time – I will carry the pain and burden of losing my mother for the rest of my life. I will always grieve as time passes and holidays and special occasions come and go. The only thing that will change is maybe someday, I’ll get used to it…but for now, I really can’t say when it will come, so I’ll just take comfort in her love and memories and let it be the balm to help me heal…
